On the winter solstice, sexual liberation, and forcing shame to switch sides

Prioritizing pleasure on the longest night of the year

Early on Saturday morning, the Sun will enter Capricorn (exactly at 4:21 am ET) marking the winter solstice in the Northern Hemisphere, an ideal day for rest, retreat, ritual, and in my line of work… for pleasure as praxis.

Some traditions call this sacred day Yule, a time to light fires to warm the cold darkness, and a reminder that as we face moments of deep freeze and fear, those times when it seems like hope is lost, we can always find a little light even if we have to strike a match or bring in some wood for kindling.

Promisingly, despite the Sun’s early setting time, the longest night of our year presages the return of an infinitesimal, imperceptible lengthening of the day until we reach the spring equinox in March and we can perceive the light growing, the hope visible, and see the shoots of green growing from the soil.

It may seem like patriarchy is at its apotheosis in America with brutal men in power and trad wives on parade, but there are signs of light in the darkness. Gisèle Pelicot, the French woman who, since September, bravely attended the trial of her ex-husband for repeatedly drugging and raping her and inviting 83 men to rape her while she was unconscious, won her case yesterday. Her husband was convicted of aggravated rape and received the maximum sentence (which is only 20-years in France.)

In her statement, she said that “shame has to switch sides” — my exact sentiments about how we break free from the grips of heteropatriarchy, rape culture, white supremacy, and cruelty-is-the-point capitalism. Here is Pelicot’s full statement.

Fear is powerful. Fear breeds shame. Fear is the domain of Saturn, the ruler of Capricorn. But what if we forced shame to switch sides in our bodies and our lives? What if we learned to do that for ourselves so we could take that process out into the collective? Collective liberation begins in our bodies, and it is not possible without our full participation in our own sexual liberation. And because the Christian right is coming directly for our bodily autonomy and our pleasure, never in my lifetime has this felt like a more critical practice.

Here’s what I wrote about Capricorn Season and the winter solstice in my recently published book, Sex and Your Stars: A Sexologist’s Guide to the Erotic Energy of the Zodiac (it makes a lovely last-minute Christmas gift, wink wink):

Here we are, at the last cardinal sign, the last earth sign, and the start of the final season of the year before we start all over again in spring. The zodiacal wheel has brought us to a time when we take stock, gather with our loved ones, and reflect on the past year. Christmas, the first holiday of Capricorn season, is a version of Saturnalia, a pagan celebration of the god and planet that rules Capricorn. It’s time to come in from the cold and warm your body by the fire, or under the comforter with your lover.

We might seek solace in the pleasures of the flesh even more because it’s so cold outside. As winter babies, Capricorns understand what it means to have hours and hours of darkness in which to cuddle and play. We might also find ourselves in a more controlled environment, deeply acquainted with the night, and able to experiment and play with power.

The winter solstice, when Capricorn begins, hearkens back to summer’s polarity, with the longest day of the year in the Northern Hemisphere giving way to the longest night six months later. A trade-offthat is both an ending and a beginning, sexual renewal feels possible now, and setting intentions for intimacy can help us start the year off right. It’s a coincidence of the Gregorian calendar that New Year’s Eve and its requisite resolutions come during Capricorn season, but it’s a useful coincidence nonetheless, and useful is one of Capricorn’s favorite words.

During Capricorn season, we can find ourselves more often in solitude, even if we are partnered. Here we can tease apart what our erotic needs are—what feeds and sustains us—from the kind of eroticenergy that feels like something we can live without.

Saturday’s solstice intiates the first Capricorn season since 2008 without Pluto’s co-presence in this sign. Today is Venus Day, and the love planet is just separating from an inviting trine with Jupiter that was exact last night. It is a moment ripe for ritual. Here’s a winter solstice ritual that I created a few years ago for Sex Coach U (read the whole piece here):

To perform the Winter Solstice ritual, you’ll need a journal or notebook, a candle and matches, and a small bowl of your nourishing food of choice and a fork or spoon. You can do this ritual solo or with a partner — make sure they have their own pen and paper to work with if so.

If you have an altar set up at home, do the ritual there. If not, you can easily create a makeshift altar by clearing a surface that you can sit in front of (your kitchen table will do fine). First, make sure the room is quiet — ­phones on silent, roommates and/or children occupied and unlikely to bother you.

Begin by lighting your candle, closing your eyes and taking seven deep, slow, cleansing breaths. (Seven is the number of Saturn.) As you inhale, let that cleansing breath fill up your entire belly, and as you exhale, release all the stress and burdens you’ve carried during this heavy year.

If you want to add something extra, try to visualize the color orange filling you up with each inhale, moving from the top of your spine to your genital area. (Orange is associated with the sacral chakra that connects to our sexuality.)

Open your eyes and begin to free-write about what you long for, what you’re anticipating, what you’re waiting for, what you want. Make a list of seven of your most intense desires. If you’re doing the ritual solo, once you finish the list, read each item aloud, and then take a bite of food after each item — giving yourself the symbolic nourishment you crave. If you’re doing this ritual with a partner, read your list aloud item by item, and have your partner feed you a bite after each one.

Once you’ve completed the list, if there is any food left over, finish it. Complete the ritual by closing your eyes, taking a series of seven slow, deep breaths, and then snuffing out your candle.

Some people do holiday gifts, but I do solstice offerings, and this year I’m extending an offer to my beloved subscribers only — between now and midnight on New Year’s Eve, you can book any session with me from an astrology reading to a clinical sexology session for a deep discount.

60-minute sessions (all astrology readings and clinical sexology/sex coaching sessions) are usually $200 (they’re $160 through NYE). Erotic Energy Mapping sessions, usually $250, will be $200 for this limited time. Book any discounted 1-hour session here, and Erotic Energy Mapping sessions here, or if you can’t find a time on my schedule pay via Venmo or Paypal and then email me (stefanieiris at me dot com) directly to set up the session if you can’t find a time on my calendar.

And if you buy a copy of my book (print, e-book, or audiobook) and show me a copy of your receipt, I’ll gift you a 15-minute phone mini-reading — but this is only redeemable through Christmas Eve.

PS: If you missed it, I’m now doing daily ‘scopes for WELL+GOOD. Enjoy!

Love, mistletoe, and solidarity,

Stefanie