On Mercury Retrograde, Mars in Gemini, and Sapiosexuality

The Mutable Magical Mystery Tour begins tonight...

Can you think yourself off? Some people claim to be able to do this without any physical stimulation, and I, as a neurotic skeptic, have my doubts, but I am certainly a true, diehard, can’t-resist-a-big-brain-no-matter-how-hard-I-try sapiosexual.

For those of you that might have missed its entry into the lexicon, “sapiosexual” first appeared in 2004, according to Merriam-Webster, and it simply means “one who is attracted to intelligence.” It’s formed by the Latin root for ‘sapien,’ which means wise, and ‘sexualis,’ which means sexual.

I’ve been meditating on sapiosexuality a lot since Mars entered Gemini on August 20th, where it will remain for an unusually long time thanks to a retrograde that begins on October 30th and ends on January 12th, 2023. Mars will be in the sign of genius through March 25th, 2023, spending an extended period revving up our brains, our most important sex organs. Mars typically stays in each sign for just 6 weeks. This is a veritable Mars marathon, not the quick sprint we’re accustomed to.

Mars is already in its shadow phase, so we’re getting some inklings of what it may mean for us over the next few months — and what it might mean for the world, the upcoming midterm elections in the US, the future of the royal family, and Russia’s violent war on Ukraine. We might learn a lot more about Long Covid and brain fog, and the widespread cognitive decline that humanity will reel from for years to come. If nothing else, people are likely to stir shit up on Twitter by saying outrageous things. Whatever happens, brains will be on our minds.

Most importantly for me, this is a long phase during which to find new ways to be attracted to hot nerds, and I’m already exhausted just thinking about it. I’m an Aries, so Mars is my homeboy, but Mars Retrograde makes me burn candles at both ends and forget my own limits.

Mars is a planet of thrusting, a planet, in its role as the warrior, associated with spears, phalluses, and dildos. As a ruler of Aries, it expresses desire as unbridled animal lust that can’t be tamed or held still. It may finish fast, but it can go again after a quick refractory period. As a ruler of Scorpio, it is a more patient lust, the kind that builds to a rolling boil and can be sustained over time, but this is lust that has secrets and holds grudges. (This is, of course, all devoid of gender and gender roles, as no matter who we are, we all have Mars somewhere in our charts.)

Tonight at 11:38 pm ET, Mercury, the planet in charge of talking, thinking, and texting, stations retrograde at 8 degrees of Libra. Lovely Libra, as the relationship sign, already has a reputation as a codependent doormat and an “I’ll do whatever you think is best” kind of sign. No sign fears and despises conflict as much as Libra does. And while retrograde in this sign, Mercury can make us into passive-aggressive monsters who don’t even recognize ourselves, singularly attuned to all potential battles, ready to pounce on our partner’s words. Yet the moment we get the opportunity, we may back down and swallow it, creating more resentment so that we eventually explode in rage at an inopportune moment.

What this is is Libra reacting to its shadow sign, Aries — the ruler of Mars, and lest you forget, the horny animal that pounces on prey. It doesn’t have to be this way! Now that you know, you can try to stop your brain from being so reactive and learn from it instead. Note: this is an excellent time for verbal jousting, however, it can easily boil over into an actual argument that won’t necessarily end with great makeup sex. You can accidentally but genuinely hurt someone’s feelings now. Slow your roll.

All of this is to say we’re experiencing a fuckload of messy Mercury energy and mutable madness, and we will be for the next few months. Mercury rules Gemini and it will retrograde back into Virgo, the other sign that it rules, on September 22nd. It’s just… chaos.

Throw in tomorrow morning’s Full Moon in Pisces (exact at 5:59 am ET) and it’s truly a magical mutable mystery tour. Who the fuck knows what’s going to happen! Someone just commented: “Never turn your back on the ocean” on one of my Instagram reels, and damn if that ain’t perfect wisdom for this moment.

Some might tell you that getting through these months is all all about learning your lover’s “love language” but I’m with the New York Times here: the concept of love languages, just like the whole bullshit “men are from Mars, women are from Venus” thing, is not a thing. Look, you may be here to tell me that astrology is not a thing, and that’s ok! Let’s agree to disagree, it’s a healthy thing to do under the influences of so much messy Mercury energy. We can learn from each other — that’s hot.

All planets experience retrogrades (the Sun and Moon do not, but they’re not planets — we call them the “luminaries”) but the thing to know about this fall and early winter is that Mars — Mars HATES to be retrograde far more than any other planet. Mars, as the planet of vim and vigor and speed and passion and protrusion, does not like to be held back. When Mars appears to slow down in the sky (important to note that these planets aren’t actually going backward, they just appear to be from our vantage point on earth) it can cause, um, friction. A certain amount of friction, of course, feels good, but most of us don’t want to be rubbed raw. We gonna need some lube up in here, folks.

Mars Retrogrades are notorious for hooking up with exes, just because you can’t get a certain sexual connection out of your mind. We always glamorize the past this way, don’t we? Mercury Retrogrades can also bring ex-lovers out of the woodwork, but since this happens three times a year, we may notice it less. And just as we shuffle out of Mercury Retrograde on October 1, we enter a month that harbors not just Mars Retrograde, but also eclipse season.

To put this all very succinctly, cool your jets. But if you love mess, you're in for a treat.

With pleasure,

Stefanie